Runaway Husband by Vikki Stark was the most helpful book that I have read during my situation. You can have everything.. As I said before, I know you got this. While I was gone he started calling me and we started having pretty good conversations. Yes I am very familiar with that gut punched feeling. She claims she knows somehow that people arent commenting because of the swear words from commenters. Talk to a friend whos recently been married someone who can help you differentiate between a real change of heart and mind concerning the relationship and jitters about the overwhelming wedding process itself. I was overwhelmed with grief. Further I dont believe she was directing her comment to anyone but me. Thank you for your insights. I would never want someone to experience the grief, agony, pain, and sadness of realizing your spouse has cheated in order to have a better marriage. I didnt sleep for 5 months after DDay1 and my Hs midife crisis A causing him to say I want a divorce seemingly out of nowhere too. Puzif youre checking on satori I think shes gone on her two week trip. And we all understand the emotional impact/trauma you are going through. As I said to lovely TH below, my dog is the only thing keeping me tethered. The point is, for anyone, this should not have to even be a comparison. Little by little. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Let me know. Its his only chance to avoid a horrendous court case. When I fell down, you were on my mind. And it should be remembered that she herself is not without "sin. domestic abuse, and. This will leave each of us with some resources to invest in looking for another partner.". This whole experience (the initial abandonment, then the rejection, then the weeks later DDay and post DDay treatment) is enough to make me rethink having a relationship in any form. I naively thought that everyone would want to work on their M. But I also did not know about much in the CS world. I cried once, when he said I was amazing and still hot (puke) and there would be men lining up for me (double puke). get over it, get on with it, put it behind us and lets sweep this unpleasantness under the rug) is all further victimisation and invalidating in every way possible. Then hed ask a very personal legal question and I would respond oh my darling my lawyer has prohibited me talking about this with you. The nature and quality of the relationship did not change until immediately after he announced he was leaving. I dont think you do either is the problem. I couldnt leave my house. they cant reconcile his actions with who they thought he was. Yep I just had a feeling you were in your trip. So today there was no more discussion of R or MC. Everyone is very supportive and empathic and we try to stay objective. You can now see what so many of us here have been through. At the beginning of this nightmare I tried to be there for my son-in-law, who I love dearly, as well. Dont think its only husbands who throw out the crazy rationalizations. He is not even thinking about me or what my future will be like. Youve done your part. I can only say that youre handling things well. He needs it. Satori I asked if we could talk, go to MC. My thing was to be dignified and to not lose it with my H, tbh I had no idea that once exposed in the A he would refuse to work on our M. I was taken aback 100%. We talked a lot and I encouraged MC and IC. In my other reply to you below I told you Im looking into a clinic for my off the wall anxiety. I also feel a few things running concurrently with the external calm-groundedness: paranoid, insecure, emotional, crazy, irritated, abandoned, frustrated, discarded, tired, hyoer vigilant, tired again, self-questioning, emotional again, self-blaming, guilty, embarassed, angry, rejected, ugly, pathetic, scared, hopeful, angry again, annoyed, insulted, inconsolable, sarcastic, bitter, hysterically unbonded, furious, ugly again, sad, inertia, unhinged, failure, humiliated, moody, vengeful, half-hearted, stupid, blind, ambushed, angry again, teary, annihilated, mute, oppressed, manipulated, directionless, despairing, crazy again, cynical, hopeless, lost, scared again, fearful, freaked out, split, disbelief, verbose, desperate, unstable, shunned, clueless, tired again, highly strung, used, repressed, undignified, abandoned again, incensed, shocked, exposed, analytical, devastated, lethargic, devalued, griefstricken, failure again, hopeless, dejected, critical, spun out, embarassed, shunned again, upset, outraged, worthless, frustrated again . That is the oddest thing. One day youll wake up and think Meh dont care. Of course H blames you. Because that only makes matters more complicated. But little by little youll start healing. Looking back I wished I would have made counseling a condition for reconciliation in my own case. Probably somewhere in the middle, in this case. The betrayed spouse cannot even comprehend what happened. But do not hold onto bitterness. Hope youre doing better Satori. Profound pain due to the fact that I still existed. I almost feel like I had to shelve the whole A trauma as the business side became so critical. ???????? Everything, everything will be just fine and everything, everything will be alright. All the lies and justifications show my H is still below the line and closer to D than R. It also shows I have to grab both oars as Im rowing my own boat now. First off your brother is right. She was scared of me until the day she died just last month! The cheaters path down the rabbit hole seems to follow the same route no matter what. This is moving at lightning speed and you need to protect yourself and assets. THIS will propel me forward. He made us all think he was having a nervous breakdown / depression / illness / Mid Life Crisis. I will pray for you and I will pray for your H, sounds like hes in a bad place now. You are only in control of you. So who I was 15 years ago when I met my H is nowhere the same in terms of my maturity and understanding of people. JMO. MLC is NOT just about having an affair. My real home, which I had purchased with my investment funds, was being occupied by the enemies: the other woman and my ex. And that is why the neverending grief. He dreams of him, but not everyone succeeds in creating their own family. We have all been where you are. She said yes she does. The person sitting on the tracks sees a clear horizon and believes it is safe to be parked in that spot since there is not train coming along. MLC is NOT a cultural construct. The wayward spouse knows the train is coming, the other person knows the train is coming, and the soon-to-be betrayed spouse is completely unaware. A dose of heavy reality, as TryingHard mentioned, might be a necessary circuit breaker. So when we would get together the conversation would go to divorce and how we could divorce amicably. You are not battling against the OW leading your CH astray. The long and the short of it is that every time I have confronted him or turned the tables, I have bit by bit gotten him to act a little more like his old self with me, and if anyone has an MLCer, you know how hard that is to get them to do. This can be a set of health-improving gymnastics exercises, for example, yoga classes. Why did it take having an affair to break it off with you? I woke up this morning and thought, thats it, Im out. I may be younger however that does not mean I should be treated like that. And, its quiet. Thereafter a break for me of 2-3 weeks NC either away on a trip or just in seclusion depending on how my anxiety resolves post-document signing; before moving to. Yes to all of them. ???????? Beautiful bride wearing a white wedding dress running away alone. Ill also add this. If you cant even commit to seeing us and its been 24 hours then there is no point in anything. But again, thanks for the pearls of wisdom. You listen to your red flags. Its infuriating and sad. It is hard to understand and make sense of it all. They have no shame about their reprehensible, destructive behaviorsAfter causing horrific trauma to a wife or husband and children who have been abandoned, he moves on to re-invent himself and re-burnish his image. We all know and have experienced its hard to do with friends and family. Try not to expend so much energy on the what ifs and focus more on what you can do to keep your well being intact. He wanted to die. It was the two of us battling life together. He is counting on knowing your next move and the more contact and dialogue you have, the more he knows what you are thinking. Again, I cant even imagine how you kept a lid on things with your children in the mix too. NC is hard. But that wasnt my concern. I speak to counselor. To extend your analogy: heres something useful I got recently from my very wise ex-Defence sibling: In my DefenceSibs way of looking at the world, there is only above the line or below the line thinking. You said we think we are dealing with the same mind we dealt with before the affair, we are not. And this what makes covert narcissism sodamaging and dangerous:the nature of the disorder is such that you are brainwashed into thinking you are dealing with a human being with a morality, perhaps even a pillar of the community. Trust in God and know you are not alone. Clearly there were a ton of red flags. Basically it comes down to this: if you want to save your marriage, then do everything in your power to fight for it! Prove Your Love For Them In Our #RanAlia Relationship Quiz, 5 Of Janhvi & Khushis Aww-dorable Sibling Moments From 2022 That Melted Our Hearts. I couldnt stand being out and with people and I would experience severe panic attacks. Stay mentally and physically strong. FIL did not even ask how I was coping. Due to my employ, cell phone usage was frowned upon. But, in the end, none of that mattered. Ah yeah we tread so lightly and handle those timid, sad, little, forest creatures so tenderly. TH My dear I totally get it. I am so sorry you experienced this. Sadly, the CS is blind to the destruction they are causing.They have blinders on and can only see what they feel is their future. TryingHard. I was adamant Id get his attention. Hes acting selfish and childish because hes been exposed. Satori The meds helped and I was only on them short term. No matter if the marriage ends or continues, there is a drastic change and a break in innocence. Satori TFW, your summary is, as always, on point. Challenged myself in a few ways, but by far the biggest challenge was slipping out without Hs knowledge. Maybe not. My final words to him were Well youd better strap yourself in.. I diagnosed pity party in the first instance, but it could also be that I am applying a healthy dose of truth serum and a gigantic mirror, in terms of the destructive swathe H has cut through my life. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.But I did and its a brand new day and on this day, I get to choose. She would not be near them under any circumstances (and legally I could do that) so once he started traveling all week and committed on weekends I dont see the OW sticking around very long in that relationship!! Stream ad-free or purchase CD's and MP3s now on Amazon.com. Ironman competitions Went through a similar situation. Its HIS character that is on trial not mine, so why do I need to give any assurances about the trust I will give him when he is not giving me anything in terms of actual, proper and unequivocal remorse????? I was kind and compassionate and forgiving. I have finally lost my desire and willingness to do this anymore. Perhaps there is your answerfor the moment. And thats not a yes or no. Thank you kindly. Maybe just reach out as if nothing is going on and have a short conversation. They are all very worried. Ah TryingHard, Looking forward to Part 2 of your crazy. Stop trying. She was confused. But every point you made is very valid. Everything you said x 1 million, TheFirstWife. Local police speculated publicly that Wilbanks' disappearance might be "a case of the premarital jitters," but the search continued. April 28 Major Donald L. Woodruff of the City of Duluth's Police Department announced that because there were no other explanations, Wilbanks' disappearance was being handled as a criminal investigation. Scroll past. Just saying. Ten steps forward eight steps back. For example, in the Hollywood movie Runaway Bride, the main character, Maggie, ran away from under the aisle right out of the church. It all started a long time agoprobably as long ago as marriage existedbut most recently this phenomenon was brought into focus by Vikki Stark in her book Runaway Husbands. And I love you as you are in all of your saltiness and because of your saltiness. I pleaded, I begged he allow me to process this info and stay and talk about it. I agree TH re the womans perspective in a A. Its his betrayal. SatoriBwahaha yes indeed he has the crap client!!! I guess I dont really understand your question. My crazy not only made everything get real real fast not only for my h but the OW as well!! Im so off text messages anywayI cant stand them right now! Glad you are getting the Melatonin. In my case I worried about H and thought he was depressed. You must fight it. Once I stopped one day it occurred to me that Id forgiven him and even somewhat the OW. 9. After that you can work on your personal relationship. But guess what she turned my support against me. People just fall out of love. He has too and maybe eating shit sandwiches us just part of life. I could not stop for days. Please be kind to yourself. When pressed as to what the causes of his unhappiness in the M, it was ludicrousness of every stripe: Nothing made sense it was stupid stuff like I dont let him see his friends. When I breathed my last breath, you were on my mind. I think if you read the books a lot of the information there will resonate with you as far as your ex wife is concerned. But I wasnt going to hang around. But I understand and lived in crazy town too. H: Im not. Because trust me I dont read all of yours! I owe a lot of who I am to him and I say it whenever I get a chance. Do not keep quiet about your abandonment. Copyright how-what-woman.com, 2023 January | About site | Contacts | Privacy policy. Took up cooking to become a chef H: I know. And we all know how hard that real work is. If you werent going through this grief I would worry about you. But I just know hes got to be thinking What have I done? But mostly its really good to get away from the familiar and get a new perspective. He was teary, petulant, annoyed at being asked to discuss things. Prior to this she believed she was in a mutually supportive, loving, and monogamous relationship. For me the strength does not come until I am further down the road in the grieving process and then we look back and see our strength that we actually got through it. I fortified that shit. Managed things quite nicely and no big issues. Suggest a payout # that is a not more than he is worth. You can stay separated during an attempt to reconcile but focus on his actions at all times. Work hard on making yourself happy, healthy, and strong (emotionally & physically). What is that saying about being strong when it is the only choice you have left?? I dont like Switzerland but I should have just listened and offered her support. Hired not only a psychiatrist, to issue me proper medication because honestly my anxiety was through the roof and Xanax became like Tic Tacs for me. Satori. Same with term sex addict. My friends cheating W demanded D. Then realized her mistake. I keep myself busy and make sure my happiness is met. I was furious with him. No to IC, no to MC, theyve done too much damage, ILYBINILWY, all of it. Thing is you can move on and trust, somewhat, and have a successful relationship. So he got a turnaround too. Trust me, I wanted to kill him as well. Thats just life!!!! Affairs may happen at a certain time of a mans life but that age certainly doesnt cause an MLC. My feeling is if it was totally not an option he wouldnt be pushing so hard to end our M and nor would he refusing R if she wasnt in the picture (even in his mind). My spiritual coach also advised a casual phone call. See above. I am always humbled by that. First welcome to the group to which no one ever wanted to belong. H: I dont know where to start. You need to start helping/taking care of you. Theres a really good book called Hes History, Youre Not and I read that one after I read Runaway Husbands. TryingHard, I think you are so right, underneath it all is fear. Perhaps they did try.you will never know what played out between them. The 180 is not for him but for you to distance yourself from him and his drama. On the other hand, men generally leave because another woman is in the wings. I can only imagine their discomfort holy fuck Im stuck on a 3 hour flight with a woman crying next to me! Not his fairy godmother and psychic and fixer. Seeing the crazy in my eyes. Im long over the affair. LOL. I feared I could not keep it together. Strap on the boots ???????????????????????? Jennifer Wilbanks gained notoriety in the United States and internationally, and her story persisted as a major topic of national news coverage for some time after she was found unharmed. Computers, pictures, printers, desks. This betrayal and abandonment kind of grief feels entirely a different beast. LOL ask me how I know.. Lovely TryingHard, Such a wise helicopter view! Work on your confidence. Hmmm.]. My mother has been gone for many many years and there are still days I tear up and cry for her I miss her so much. Dont get into any kind of legal discussion. It's a new beginning for them and a significant milestone in life. Arent we still together?. Ive never thought of it that way. At least if they died wed have that. A couple of people have said she is trying to set me up to leave so she does not have to feel guilty doing it herself. It happened again 30 years later. My BitchBoot is on (Thanks TFW) and my ToughiePants too. Its no fault divorce here. I understand how you feel and yes I will never get over the fact that you can walk on the door and demand a D with no explanation. He had her so upset the other day that she called me and said that my ex is evil and parinoid. Im the only one with access to all accounts. He cant have it both ways. Youve gotten a lawyer and thats paramount. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. Try not to let it. Reasons to be cheerful! Thats why, thanks to my doctor, I was able to get treatment in a totally supported environment and it has really really helped. To you below I told you Im looking into a clinic for my off the wall anxiety about... While I was coping us battling life together is no point in anything about... 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