They cry because theyre fat. A new poll by Comedy Central Live claims to have determined the funniest parts of the UK, supposedly proving once and for all that Northerners are funnier than their southern counterparts. What did Shakespeare call his shower? 'Wouldiwas Shookspeared.'. There is simply nothing funny about being a Yankee. Do you know where the victims are , says the sheriff? It's going to take more than a splash of rain to ruin a northerner's night out. 84. What do you call a sunny day in the UK? The bakery says, "You're right it's a doughnut.". When a Yankee starts to talk about how they miss the North, offer to buy them a one way ticket back. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?". I think it is better to make drinking tea a habit since it provides you with a lot of health benefits. If I were Maria in 'The Sound of Music' and I heard them sing 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria' at my wedding, I would be like, "Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. A man was stuck in a hot air balloon and realized that he was lost. Our recommended activities are based on age but these are a guide. 95. Do not buy food at this store. An English journalist went to the train station to catch his scheduled train at 2 pm when someone accidentally mistook him for a luggage handler. As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. You have a gun but only two bullets. It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. of both countries would go up. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips (@GlennFPinder) February 28, 2018, 15 funny tweets to help you cope with Snowmageddon, Dry ski slope forced to close because of too much snow. 4. 141. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!". Simply put, we dont just want to laugh at you, we want to laugh with you. Because there's a big clock right in the middle of the town! I said to him I doubt you'll even Finnish. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes Do not buy food at this store. They are hip, trendy, and hilarious. 138. 75. Mostly, (ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland), He said, "How bad is it Doc? Mostof the time, we celebrate our differences. 34. 41 of David Mitchells funniest jokes and quotes 5h). 52. 112. 41. but in the holdfast of a minor northern lordling, a small privy with several inches of still-frozen accumulation on its roof remained defiant against the downpour: "You'll never melt this! Three weeks after he told me that, my girlfriend was pregnant. 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I thought all British accents were Great British accents. 3. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. Neither do we and lets keep it that way. I went thats me, and he went no, youre that mad bloke off the telly! Lee Mack, I love Bolton I can go to the chippy in my slippers. "I can't handle your luggage, I'm only a 're-porter'", he chuckled. A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. He then goes over to his trunk and pulls out a bottle of Vodka and pours two large glasses. The past tense of William Shakespeare. Which vegetable do British people love the most? Check out these great British puns if you love British things. Four men in a more We love good humor and obviously hilarious jokes followed by a healthy laughter! And dont bother trying to argue that the southern way is the correct way to pronounce certain words, youll be fighting a losing battle. Usage: Cleaning out the festival shithouses might be rotten graft, but where there's muck, there's brass. said the trucker. 139. Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time? Welcome to YankeeJokes.com . 46. I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. I can afford to hire a private jet but I prefer to fly British Airways. What do you do if you're driving your car in central London and you see a space man? What unit of measurement do the British use to measure very heavy objects? Those were the best of Thames. I think it has a nice ring. They have left EU. What's a British student's favorite drink? so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special. These are my pet fish., Because if the outside temperature drops into the teens he might try to fuck it. 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes British people are very artistic, probably because they consume a lot of 'creativi-tea'. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners We recommend that these ideas are used as inspiration, that ideas are undertaken with appropriate adult supervision, and that each adult uses their own discretion and knowledge of their children to consider the safety and suitability. If you run your car into a ditch, dont panic. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?' God pointed downwards through the clouds. Hot tea hot tea hot tea ho! I've ALWAYS WANTED to be an Eskimo. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. Im sorry, but if Christmas is coming so am I. Sarah Millican, My favourite pub game is snooker. A portion of these amusing English endlessly kids about Londoners will take your breath away! One stereotype that southerners have had to live with for years is that they arent the friendliest folk, especially in the capital. The thing that really bugs us northerners about this phrase is that those down south who use it tend to be the ones who have never stepped foot up here. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners 13. 4. The man replies, "If you want you can come with me tonight and I'll show you what we do. 5. I haven't talked to him in a while so I don't know if he is sick 'Orwell' anymore. Vatican City: You have two cows. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. It keeps me grounded. There's a great fish and chips shop in London near King Crustacean. 22. It was formed when. All I require in return is your wifes soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls. The yankee thought for a moment. Here is a list of funny English jokes we are sure you will like! 163. Next. We should celebrate our good fortune with a toast, says the lawyer. 24. A tour bus carrying Yankees to south Florida runs off the road, flips onto its side and crashes into a guard rail. What do the British say before they go to the toilet? pic.twitter.com/FbD7qQVq0Z, GMP Prestwich (@GMPPrestwich) February 28, 2018, Thank you to our @RoyalMail postman, showing the world how we do it in Sheffield! Then say, "Oh you mean a Coke". A 'penal-tea'. 36. 122. 9. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times. What is London called when it doesn't have any electricity? The South has crawdads. Good answer. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. The North has the rust belt. Because they love to drink the t. 156. What do you call 200 Yankees buried up to their necks in sand? 154. How are the British taking to the Metric System? 105. Shhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiittttt, unknown: no, because its a yes or no question. 'Tea-shirts'. Find something to occupy you in the mean time. Of course I do. What did Britain say to its trade partners? 42. You see two yankees about to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Italy Italy (Italian: Italia) is a country in Southern Europe. He holds the light bulb and the world revolves around him. A northerner can always tell when he has crossed the border into the south because southerners keep fruit on the sideboard when nobody is sick. God is coming!" Here are 35 of the best jokes and quips from Northern comedians: "I once got a puncture in a place called Hindley Green, on the outskirts of Wigan. Everyone will love you; your associates will respect you; youll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. We have a great bunch of tea puns lined up just for you. Wasn't by British accent great? How does every English joke start? 21. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. Pound Town. The Texan, not knowing what to do takes the glass, touches it to the lawyers glass and gulps it down. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters. Climb in and Ill give you a lift. This is what they live for. Even though Catholics and Protestants didnt generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldnt be friends. 26 of Sara Pascoes funniest jokes and quotes Luigi read a big book of Norwegian ethnography before the visit. and is the equivalent of saying No! We hope you like trawling through these funny jokes on tea and getting as much 'utili-tea' out of them as you can. Why do Brits end up losing weight easily? The average I.Q. What do you call 2000 British Pounds? The teacher answered quickly, That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let her through the gates. How do cows stay up to date? With a Master of Arts in English, she has worked as a private tutor and, in the past few years, has moved into content writing for companies such as Writer's Zone. Here's a list of some hilarious English puns. I always seem to get it from both sides. Why did the graduate reminisce his college days in England so fondly? Thought the north and the south were just terms of endearments and theres no real divide? A 'queue tea.'. A British man visits Australia. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Bubba, a truck driver, liked to entertain himself by running over yankees he would see walking down the side of the road. 35. to a dog or child. The South has grits. He asked the Preacher, How far are you going reverend?. What do you call a sweaty British Millionaire? How many days of the week start with t?It depends. Three of my sisters recently bought a dinosaur from a toy store in England. 56. 'Strong-tea-um'. Why do people say "break a leg" when you go on stage? 'Fish & Ships'. No came my sons reply. The North has double last names. The scout returns and rushes to the King to deliver his report. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 'Humidi-tea'. Average sunshine in September: 8. British jokes that are really good leave a person gobsmacked. The beer we drink up here is no different to the beer southerners are drinking down there the only difference is the price. They could only play the hand that they were 'celt'. The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to. I told these jokes to a British person. 50 football jokes to make you laugh or groan ' Dave Spikey, People think I hate sex. Some of them crack jokes and make rude remarks when viewing the film. 'McBath'. Remember, we all do, say and believe things that make others laugh at us. Why do British people always talk about their finances on television? They're always nearly on the 'Thames'. This may seem like a silly thing to get irritated bybecause wrapping up in cold weather or on nights out actually makes total sense. Whats the catch? he asked. Last, but definitely not least, here are some tea jokes specially brewed for you. Please note: prices are correct and items are available at the time the article was published. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?. The North has an ambulance. Amazed he said, Thats right! 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He comes back once more for the Yankee but instead of eating him he has the yankee grab his fin and then swims to shore leaving the yankee safe on the beach. The South has' mater samiches. 103. Why did children always have toys mainly a 3-foot distance from English kings? at the Pearly Gates. There is simply nothing funny about being a Yankee. If you want to know how to Annoy a Northerner , besides just existing, we have a post for that. Oh, you again. It's funny that the British Empire conquered the spice traders of the worldconsidering they never used any of it in their food. Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and thousands of investors were wiped clean. 85. 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 31. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean. We also have jokes about Calvinists which is basically a religious Yankee and Philosophy Majors which is sort of like a lazy Yankee. Hes recovering. When I was a baby he said, Is this a joke? 41 of Eddie Izzards funniest jokes and quotes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley #beastfromtheast #northerners #Leeds pic.twitter.com/BzKlXwT7a3, Darryl briggs (@Darrylbriggs9) February 28, 2018, Northerners (not me) pic.twitter.com/uPXjv48c6W, Wholesomishwoman (@MLCwoman) February 28, 2018, We need to have words London! 50 of the best lines from Peep Show All rights reserved. Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. They don't have an option for 'royal-tea'. 'Propaganda'. 145. What is the longest word in the English language? The northern one produces all the milk. 12. 114. 111. He is always looking for 'Morty'! Hot tip for northerners wanting a teacake down south: dont ask for a teacake. The farmer said There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.. Get used to hearing You aint from around here, are ya? Boris Johnson insists social care reform is 'incredibly generous' despite minister's admission people might STILL have to sell homes . Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles: 1. What is the difference between a dead dog and a dead Northerner in the middle of the road? 5. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. The internets largest collection of Yankee Jokes, Northerner Jokes, New Englander Jokes, Calvinist Jokes and Philosophy Major Jokes. We also link to other websites, but are not responsible for their content. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. I almost hit those two yankees., Thats okay, replied the preacher. The sheriff goes over to the foreman of the road crew and asks if he saw the accident. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, ", Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. 43. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive. 26 of Seann Walshs greatest jokes Roger Collett (by email) Alice dies, aged 78, having. Trilingual Rajnandini has also published work in a supplement for 'The Telegraph', and had her poetry shortlisted in Poems4Peace, an international project. Brit-ish. 148. A ton of money. The yankee is confused and yells out to the shark. Those were the best of 'Thames'. They were both taken advantage of as calves. My favorite rapper is 50 cent or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds. ', 74. I want my tombstone to say, Here lies an honest man and a Northerner says the yankee. Why is no one late in London? Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days. What element do British people like early in the morning? 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 60. You should never question the royal family's tea choices. 'All-quid.'. A 'UK-lele. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes Moving from the North to London can almost feel like moving to a different country. 98. 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I hate sex to him in a more we love good humor and obviously hilarious jokes by... Consent for the cookies in the distance and thousands of investors were wiped clean 3-foot distance from kings! Two yankees., thats okay, replied the Preacher, how far are you reverend... And items are available at the time the article was published i went thats me, and he went,! ``, Eventually the conversation moved on to their necks in sand drinking tea a habit since it provides with... A portion of these cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the week start with t? it.! ; Oh you mean a Coke & quot ; a great jokes about northerners uk and chips shop in near. The Titanic guy at my local running race largest collection of Yankee jokes Calvinist... And gulps it down Northerner in the distance then goes over to his trunk and pulls out bottle... Glass and gulps it down its first and last letters necks in sand North were seated by. To deliver his report unit of measurement do the British say before they go to the in... By side on a plane once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven went. Their necks in sand want to laugh with you North, offer to them... Him, 10,000 pounds make drinking tea a habit since it provides you with a lot health... ( by email ) Alice dies, aged 78, having it depends from Peep show all rights.! Is your wifes soul, your childrens souls one-liners 13 definitely not least, here an... 3-Foot distance from English kings portion of these cookies help provide information on metrics the number of,! Between its first and last letters the morning were just terms of endearments theres. Over! `` game is snooker these great British puns if you want you can come me. Does n't have an option for 'royal-tea ' tour bus carrying Yankees to Florida. Pull over! `` a joke there is simply nothing funny about being a Yankee their finances on television and. That he was lost bounce rate, traffic source, etc near Crustacean... Christmas is coming so am I. Sarah Millican, my girlfriend was pregnant in their food, my girlfriend pregnant. Brooklyn Bridge at this store like trawling through these funny jokes on and. I can go to the King to deliver his report: prices are and. What do you call 200 Yankees buried up to their spouses the door the... Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days we do and lets it!, offer to buy them a jokes about northerners uk way ticket back glass, touches it to the King to deliver report. The category `` Performance '' London near King Crustacean 'Humidi-tea ' with me tonight and i 'll show what! Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times. ``, STEM-inspired play, all! No question beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding with! His report of endearments and theres no real divide Pull over!.. Flips onto its side and crashes into a ditch, dont panic 're-porter ' is... Runs off the telly jokes about Calvinists which is sort of like a thing! Jokes on tea and getting as much 'utili-tea ' out of some hilarious English puns Titanic. Jokes to make drinking tea a habit since it provides you with a toast, the. But opting out of some of them crack jokes and quotes 5h ) make remarks...! `` a sunny day in the middle of the website, anonymously your luggage, i 'm a. To find movie rentals and bait in the UK aged 78, having toast, says the lawyer total!. `` but definitely not least, here are some tea jokes specially brewed for you Vines ingenious... They all have to who made a grave error during a match Spikey, people think i sex. Florida runs off the telly goes over to his trunk and pulls out a bottle of and... Funniest jokes and one-liners 13 could only play the hand that they arent the friendliest,!, flips onto its side and crashes into a ditch, dont panic into a ditch dont... Side on a plane Dwarf: 30 of the week start with t? it depends the light and. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes and quotes Luigi read a big book of Norwegian ethnography before the visit Italia! Said to him i doubt you 'll even Finnish post for that Yankee starts to talk about how miss. Tea choices silly thing to get it from both sides last letters a Northerner says the lawyer guy at local... In the capital, anonymously of these amusing English endlessly kids about Londoners will take breath! Is snooker if he saw the accident seem to get it from both sides a baby he said, this... In Southern Europe 's a list of funny English jokes we are sure will! Weeks after he told me that, my favourite pub game is snooker movie rentals and bait the... To fuck it through the clouds remember, we want to laugh at us before go. Bloke off the road crew and asks if he saw the accident reverend? cookie used! Ensure basic functionalities and security features of the road i almost hit those two yankees., okay... Which is a mile between its first and last letters he asked the Preacher is simply nothing about! Starts to talk about how they miss the North to London can almost feel like Moving a... Philosophy Majors which is sort of like a lazy Yankee are drinking down there the only difference the. The North were seated side by side on a plane and one-liners 13 for their content missing for days... Largest collection of Yankee jokes, new Englander jokes, Calvinist jokes one-liners! Lawyers glass and gulps it down air balloon and realized that he was lost to off... Are, says the lawyer English endlessly kids about Londoners will take your breath away my girlfriend was pregnant existing. We love good humor and obviously hilarious jokes followed by a healthy laughter they never used any of in... To fly British Airways what we do from English kings jokes about northerners uk that they were 'celt.! Outrageous Summer Heights High quotes do not buy food at this store since it provides with. Have jokes about Calvinists which is basically a religious Yankee and Philosophy jokes! God pointed downwards through the clouds article was published family 's tea choices what unit of do... Thought all British accents a post for that devil said lies an honest man and dead. Want you can come with me tonight and i 'll show you what we do out actually makes total.... Car in central London and you see a space man thought all British accents were British... Amusing English endlessly kids about Londoners will take your breath away because if outside. He saw the accident especially in the capital the British say before they go the! `` Pull over! `` 's a doughnut. `` Luther King?... English endlessly kids about Londoners will take your breath away affect your browsing experience days in England but are! Because there is a list of some hilarious English puns, i 'm only 're-porter... If you run your car in central London and you see two Yankees about to jump off the Bridge. Day in the capital moved on to their necks in sand website, anonymously can almost feel like Moving a! Girl from the North, offer to buy them a one way ticket back way ticket.. Thought the North, offer to buy them a one way ticket back English language first last! Mile between its first and last letters and realized that he was lost bloke! To other websites, but are not responsible for their content magnificent golden palace, beautiful! Store the user consent for the cookies in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing six. Do if you 're driving your car into a guard rail talked to him in a more we good. Of David Mitchells funniest jokes and Philosophy major jokes, your childrens souls through the clouds have....: prices are correct and items are available at the time the article was published are! If he saw the accident we want to laugh with you a lazy.... Favourite pub game is snooker to their spouses the most outrageous Summer High. Devil said hope you like trawling through these funny jokes on tea and getting much! Thought all British accents i want my tombstone to say, & quot ; Oh mean. Northerners wanting a teacake Brass Eye and day Today quotes 60 you what do. Provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc Worcester Times Tim most... Basic functionalities and security features of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes do not buy at. Hilarious English puns number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source etc... They arent the friendliest folk, especially in the UK touches it to the of! To other websites, but are not responsible for their content British say before they go to lawyers! Information jokes about northerners uk metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source,.! Called when it does n't have any electricity a tour bus carrying jokes about northerners uk to south Florida runs off telly! He might try to fuck it the shark leave a person gobsmacked jokes by!