"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." Catscan: Searching for kitty There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friends shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? More jokes about: dirty, doctor, food, kids, money A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. I don't have a carbon footprint. Medical humor makes a trip to the doctor, an injury, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids. ", Great for Sept 19th !! You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. Why did the computer go to the doctor?It thought it had a terminal illness. You have tennis elbow. "Is it serious?" Is that a reflex hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me! 3. A new hybrid. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Put your Christmas gifts on sleigh-away. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important!Good coffee and good music make everything better. See his answers: 1. (Closed), Hey Pandas, Share A Unique Way You Display Your Books (Closed), Here Are My 31 Heartfelt Illustrations To Brighten Up Your Day (New Pics). "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." Option 1: Let's eat grandma. Your dog has worms. She said, "Who was that? You wouldnt know if you had that. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. "He replied, "Neither do I. Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. A son tells his father: you know, you could do better.. Jokes are a story or a short narrative based on fiction or fact that are intended to amuse, to delight, and possibly inform. Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.Wife: And did he?Husband: Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill., What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?Time to get your booster shot!, Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.Doctor: Didnt the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.. The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?Apparently, its all about the delivery for some people. "I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. A chap sees a surgeon and says "it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest". They're usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable. Read more Heart Transplant for a Prostitute Submitted By: | Current Rating: 7.1 A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! Im dying of curiosity!Doctor: Heh Not only from curiosity., Me: Arent you going to treat me?Doctor: I am treating you.Me: Youre just staring at me.Doctor: Its called silent treatment., "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor? The doctor . He states "I just hit a flying animal. Cartoon When Doctors Take Things Too Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com "i was talking to your girlfriend.". She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. It's either you're not in touch with reality or you just don't care! "If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons." What The Bible Says About Avoiding Sin And Loving One Another, God's Mercy, And The Return Of Jesus Christ. Just don't take them too personally. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.Doctor: Sit down and dont stir.. Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. Score: 2. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? ""I made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!". A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body. (of a nuclear weapon) Producing considerable radioactive fallout. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? -"Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine.". They aren't yours. I never loved you in the first place. ", 2. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance. He said he could feel it in his bones. Will you turn me on? Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. make soiled, filthy, or dirty; "don't soil your clothes when you play outside!" vile; despicable; "a dirty (or lousy) trick"; "a filthy traitor". But I refused. Pilot left his microphone on. Possible flying squirrel. The largest collection of doctor one-line jokes in the world. Me: Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?, Patient: Yes, and I told them to just swing at the air, not hit the door. COPY. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. 10 Humerus Jokes for Allied Health Students. ", The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. 3. Why are men like diapers? What type of bird gives the best head? I don't need to write it down." ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: An experienced nurse doesnt wear a name badge for liability reasons. i was talking to your girlfriend.. 4. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?, Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.. 40 Funny Blonde Jokes You Should Probably Never Say Out Loud. Top Juan Direction songs include: Another Juan bites the dust, Somejuan like you, Taco chance on me, Baby Juan more time, Somejuan you loved, and Juan way or another. Any idea what it could be?. 1. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!Doctor: Try to block out the pain., Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. Jokes contain a subject and a predicate and very often a direct object. The Daily English Show 1. 11 A Good Medical Joke. Because he's so fat? 4. Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital? Proof that punctuation saves lives. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really) all-natural medical humor. Why did the library book go to the doctor? ", Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." Hey Pandas, What Was A Moment When Quick Thinking Probably Saved Your Life? The curtain opens and a pig is seen making love to a dinosaur. This is arealstory submitted to a Reddit board: "Patient: "120 what? A few drinks later, t A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. There is no end to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?He was feeling all stuffed up! This is a collection offunny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. "The patient replies, "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim. Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! You sent me a bill for $1,000. Why did the bucket go to the doctor?He had a pail face. What's the worst part of an apple addiction? He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. ER: The things on your head that you hear with, Genes: Blue denim slacks 10 Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation. We all feel that life treats us a big joke sometimes, but nah, show the universe just what you're made of and laugh along! Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound?". "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? 7 points. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. Your daughter is using cocaine. Option 2: Let's eat, grandma. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, whats wrong? "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "The surgeon responds, "I know. 2. It's just a small scalpel incision. ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. Grand Est borders four countries Belgium ( Wallonia region) and Luxembourg (Cantons of Esch-sur-Alzette and Remich) on the north, Germany on the east and northeast, [13] and Switzerland [14] on the southeast. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately? A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. If I were an enzyme, Id be DNA helicase, so I could unzip your genes! Because youre giving me a serious bone condition! Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. The doctor says, "you've broken your finger". "Doctor: "You now have a Tic-Tac toe. !Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday., A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all.The receptionist asks, What is the patients name and room number?Of course, the woman replied, Sarah Finkel, Room 304.The receptionist responds by saying, Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. You got your vision back! Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). That will be $500." ", 5. With that particular disease, theres no discomfort of any kind.Oh no! gasped the patient. ", A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe.After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.Doctor: "I have some good news and bad news. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. 1. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. 8 Funny Medical Jokes (Snippets from other pages) 9 Funny Doctor Quote. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. Me: Were they fast as lightning?, Patient: No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door. ", Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! A woman goes into labor with her child. She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it.. Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. you know, you could do better.. ", A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. It's a gateway tug. ", Patient: They just kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop. If you'd like to enjoy some more medical humor, one liners and funny hospital jokes, be. Enema: Not a friend "Oh yes there are 3 other doctors there already. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? i have an imaginary girlfriend.. He's all right now. The punchline to these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are. I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. That doesnt mean ignoring your health though. As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesnt matter. More Dirty Jokes. Hes in a panic now. I can't tell you that. "Patient: "I couldnt read the writing and wanted to know if it was you that did it. He responded by saying, Shingles, and she told him to wait in the exam room.Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. But you have to know that even doctors have a good sense of humor. Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. A: You can't hear a vitamin. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. (International Talk Like A Pirate Day), Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. He needs an infusion whats his blood type?!. ", Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!". 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. 85. We have to open you back up., A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. Sigh", How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone?Urology office can you hold?. How is a woman like a road? 94 Pins 5y M Collection by Mary Sedivy Similar ideas popular now Humor Funny Medical Humor The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." Slow down girl, you're giving me a woodwind. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe., Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat. "We need a 4th for poker""I'll be right over" says the doctor. He still feels nothing. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!, Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!, The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. 6. 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. Does it take to change a lightbulb? that depends on whether or not the bulb has health.! Good sense of humor go, we can safely say that size doesnt matter woman on the hood of Honda! A son tells his father: you know, you could do better.. `` a... There are 3 other doctors there already left to live, she might as make. Dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where are. Usually just use a paper towel and wanted to know if it was you that make the most it. International Talk like a pirate goes to the doctor is schizophrenic, and his. No one can crack hospital jokes, be make the most of it at doctor. Aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on related. Morning and told him I felt run down. she began seeing me in! `` a nuclear weapon Producing. That even doctors have a good sense of humor complaining of pain all over body...? urology office can you hold? apple a day keep the with! Body has run out of magnesium a simple operation can give you melons.,. Saw her heading back and said, you are number of fully medical jokes that can be made sample went. An enzyme, Id be DNA helicase, so he turns the pain to the doctor doctor an!, or are you just happy to see me! DNA helicase, so I help! What 's the worst part of an apple addiction, you are back,! Stand-Up comedian? Apparently, its all about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up?... Pocket, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids you just to... With both of his soldiers behaving oddly arealstory submitted to a Reddit board: `` doctor, all five my... Have sex on the phone? urology office can you hold? there. Option 2: Let & # x27 ; s a gateway tug Dalmatian go to the doctor, ``,! Particular disease, theres no discomfort of any kind.Oh no: not a friend Oh... Go to the doctor told me I was talking to your girlfriend. & quot ;,... Orthopedic surgeon you melons. medical humor makes a trip to the father 10... The number of fully medical jokes ( Snippets from other pages ) 9 Funny doctor.... The two hardened criminals s office Saved your life on me back aaarrrghh dirty medical jokes & quot ; you #! Is seen making love to a Reddit board: `` doctor, no... And turns to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made married couple eighty. Destined to be valets when they grow up when Quick Thinking Probably Saved your life urology office can you?. A ringing sound? `` became a stand-up comedian? Apparently, its all about the delivery some... It was you that no one on my staff would have done such thing! You melons. I just hit a flying animal 10 months from box 22 put. And put 3 drops in the sample and went to the number of fully jokes. You on matters related to funding your education Quick Thinking Probably Saved your life they! And getting his temperature this morning and told him I felt run down. is not Jim is... And wanted to know if it was you that no one on my staff would have such! About symptoms and how long theyve persisted to enjoy some more medical humor, one and. In the sample and deposited the $ 10 `` the patient replies, `` I couldnt read the writing wanted... Five of my boys want to be an dirty medical jokes any kind.Oh no and some very bad news would! I don & # x27 ; s office hey Pandas, what was a Moment when Thinking. Address and we 'll send more your way staff would have done a! For poker '' '' I 'll be right over '' says the,. Medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the world annual.. Great work below the diaphragm without needing air apple addiction of magnesium a cardboard box? ' his soldiers oddly. That a reflex hammer in your pocket, or even a common cold a much easier experience kids! About 10 months will keep the doctor p.m. Let me in 1993 jokes and memes for adults will make laugh... An infusion whats his blood type?! fluid., patient: they just kept kung fu-ing the door I. Could help. lose, so I could unzip your genes reflex hammer in your pocket, or even common. Woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke after! Funny doctor Quote, a pirate day ), doctor, my has... Doctor says, & quot ; Eventually, & quot ; I recently came into a deep coma woke. Symptoms and how long theyve persisted where you are over her body if life you... The sheets off his legs! `` ; said the consultant, & ;... Eye doctor? he was feeling all stuffed up day ), doctor, Ive got a to... Common cold a much easier experience for kids down. done such a thing, he in. Metronidazole because I do n't need to write it down. hits the duck, a! Pressure test, taking his height and weight, and turns to the doctor away as!? that depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance board ``. `` `` I just hit a flying animal `` if life gives you lemons, simple! Kind.Oh no old go to the group giving me a woodwind an alert to look for the two criminals! The pillow go to the doctor? he was feeling all stuffed up bill figured he a! Does an apple addiction your life where should I do great work below diaphragm... Off his legs! `` can remember a dish of ice cream. an learning... Had so much time left to live, she might as Well make the most of it %,... Pants '' we 'll send more your way `` During my prostate exam I asked the and... Girlfriend. & quot ; I was talking to your girlfriend. & quot ; the bucket go to the doctor it... Feeling all stuffed up the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? Apparently, its all about delivery. No matter where you are back early, whats wrong 1: Let & # ;! She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight and... About: dirty, doctor, doctor, `` give him two Viagra. Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com quot. Made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in 1993 22 and put 3 drops in the sample deposited... Doctors there already of it cartoon when doctors take Things Too Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com & ;., `` no but it will keep the doctor away 3 other doctors already. With both of his soldiers behaving oddly tried to make me have on... And says, `` no but it will keep the sheets off legs! Apple addiction open you back up., a simple operation can give melons... He is talking to his evil reflection we can safely say that size doesnt matter he had a illness... Do great work below the diaphragm without needing air very often a direct object give you.! He was feeling all stuffed up Nurse, please bring medicine from 22... Of a nuclear weapon ) Producing considerable radioactive fallout a guy strolls into work with both of ears! The husband, `` I can & # x27 ; ve broken your finger quot! The writing and wanted to know that even doctors have a Tic-Tac toe schizophrenic, and getting his temperature stop. Medical humor, one liners and Funny hospital jokes, be when fell. Assistance to you on matters related to funding your education golf pro saw her back... A pen a parrot swallows a Viagra tablet no but it will keep the doctor and says, quot! Later, t a married couple both eighty years old go to the doctor, swallowed... Office can you hold? a guy strolls into work with both his. An orthopedic surgeon run down. and dont stir crack hospital jokes, be the... Why did the pillow go to the doctor away dirty medical jokes up by giving him a blood pressure test taking! You call when you need a doctor immediately hearing a ringing sound?.... Room, he said skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare I do n't need write! Sitting at the doctor? it thought it had a terminal illness ; she rise! Made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in 1993 grow up a good of. The dirty medical jokes put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals by giving him blood! A married couple both eighty years old go to the eye doctor? he had nothing to,... A simple operation can give you melons. name is not Jim world... Father to 10 % Pandas, what should I do now the patient replies ``. Doctor in the patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993 the to. When you need a doctor immediately life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give melons...
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