Some comments here bother me as theyve immediately labeled your ex as manipulative, narcissist, gas lighter, etc knowing only one side of the story they sound like hurt people. I cant for the life of me fanthoming to do that to any one let alone my own child. It is unhealthy for you to wish otherwise. He did take my kids when they were younger, but they find it so weird they have stopped indulging them and refuse to go. He doesnt know I kept all the things he is lying about via papers and emails he sent to his girlfriend.. To say I am upset 15 years later is an understatement, and my family thinks he walks on water, I moved away to another state.. not that I would want to go to the liars church, I am banned from his church, but his new wifes ex can be a memberFuming Mad.. would love to have a revenge party in his state but only God and his mercy is holding me back.. waiting on Gods vengeance. It took work to get to the point we are now. We were very close. They did not care if I was there or not. The family of hers still want her to be with her ex and she seems to follow their wish. A slap in the face. They have nothing to do with her EX!!!! He has held resentment against her for chosing me in the divorce and basically looked for a reason to punish her. These kind of people know what to say but their actions are not inline with their words. I get bundles of dollars twice a week. I believe the family member should respect you and just not discuss the other person or put it in your face. You have 5 children, if he is a normal man you Will never get complitely rid of him. Work together to find some ground, or maybe just getting out in the air alone will make you feel better. I would open up to them and tell them how you feel and if they dont respect your feelings, you need to cut ties with them, and your ex. Especially on holidays. You choose to break your marriage vows then you also choose to break the design and purpose of a marriage. My ex remarried and then his second wife died. Maybe instead of thinking about poor pitty party you and gow you feel maybe you should think how are my kids doing not only did I kick their dad to the curb but now Im tearing the family apart as well. My husband was a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath and I now suffer from CPTSD as a result of the abuse during the marriage and from the aftermath of the divorce. You and only you should be the one that decides whether your ex will be at a family function. Im light and polite when I see their exes but nothing beyond that. Lowest of the low. My marriage ended after 43years of marriage. You will need to think hard about what to say. That makes him feel like family. A joke. One one hand, I have many friends just like these family members with the only difference being there is no ex in those, so in that sense it is no different. Now she tells everyone how her son isnt talking to her, cut her out of his life and its killing her. He has been featured in media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire & Elle. I invite him to birthdays along with his new wife and her 3 kids shes pregnant with a 4th that is his. The trouble is is that they dont have the empathy or emotional intelligence to doubt themselves and they are not mature enough to consider that perhaps a lot of the problem is the way they are behaving! Im very upset. I now realise that mine had been doing a number on me with my own family for years setting the stage to become the victim when he was the perpetrator and I sadly have come to the conclusion that the members of my family who supported him have pretty much the same characteristics. I mean Im sorry but if your the only one who find him unbearable then maybe you should do some self reflection. His family is very traditional. My kids dont want to stand up for me as grown children and say why is our mother shunned from everything, its between her and our dad. But still NEVER be interested in her as a romantic partner again. Thats YOUR stuff. Thats something you need to understand, and I think youll realize it when you look at the situation yourself. This is on her. As far as their relationship with meI have been kind to them in various ways, but the other disadvantage (if there were one) is that because of the distance in states, even after 10 years they dont know me extremely well. Do you even know what are you saying?! I am a very private person. Instead of passively participating in it. A large part of your Ex wanting to cozy up, (more than ever it seems) to your side of the family, is what someone else wrote- they are narcissistic and they know part of it is to shut you out, and show your family how great he/she is and that the breakup was more your fault than theirs because he/she is such a great person. What hurts most is theyve held me as Ive cried through all of this. If you cannot expect your family to be loyal, supportive, and defend you in this difficult adjustment period then what is the point of even having a family? He goes to her house during the holidays. Im trying to remember and reflect on the example that Jesus gave Even his own brothers didnt believe what he said, and thought he was crazy. Its not like they have other friends they invite to Easter or Christmas Dinner. NOPE!! They knew then, as well as now, that I sure the hell am not spending holidays with my ex!! They tell me that hes still family because of all the time we spent together, but I got completely cut off from his family and yet I still have to share family gatherings on my side with him. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. He didnt afford me the same thing. I have cut ties with all of them now.. Its been years and Ive tried to explain to my mother that she is my EX wife and her place is with her family,not mine.. didnt work.. this has strained my relationship with everyone in my family.. I was so bitter and cried, went to my family and informed them that, it is okay not be chosen oe belong. Heres an idea, dont get involved with a divorced man. And so far its working. WOW Its the fact that none of them have considered how I feel. Hers are teenagers. His sister and nieces have all taken his side as if I was the villain They are aware of the concept of divorce. It is sick. Stay strong in who you are. Anyways I have never been able to rely on my mom to ever go back home. They didnt live with him 24/7. It gets tricky and can put everyone in a difficult situation. I dont get your sister at all. Now everyone must be done with him too now that YOUVE decided hes no longer worthy and acceptable company to be aroundbut when yall were together it was okand you probably DEFENDED him when he wasnt accepted by family or friends. So i made the excruciating decision to cut ties with them. They say theyd like to get to know me better but dont do anything to try. Still Hanging Out With Her Ex's Family. I did make up with them and tried to put it aside, in the hope they would start putting my feelings first and be loyal to me. I understand your pain but you are a grown man and its not your exes fault you have no solid family of your own. In your scenario, it sounds like your ex did not have relational problem with your family, just you. NO, you are NOT being unreasonable they are being unfaithful untrustworthy pieces of lying **** i dont like that one bit!! So he does everything exactly the way it was but hes only replaced the woman. Your ex sounds . Her family should have been their for her & her kids. Being traded in and abandoned by your own family and although you shouldnt have to explain your standpoint, and when you do no one gets it. Even my siblings that could see previous toxic dynamics in the other side of the family cannot seem to see when it is happening under their very noses. Copyright 2023 Divorce Marketing Group, Inc.All rights reserved. "@type": "Question", Im wondering, Is he still thinking about his ex?. I become unhappy and grouchy. There is no way I would have expected my exs family to accommodate me! One has been won over by family manipulation. How hurtful and disrespectful could you be. They didnt believe me even though I never told one lie whereas he just behaved like the complete victim and told lie after lie. Family needs to reach out and ask what youre comfortable with ie family get togethers etc. You are foremost his Aunt and family so your feelings should come first. His family doesnt even call them on their birthday. Hes not interested in me because of his new life, and I dont really talk to him anymore. she is trying to isolate you to take away your support. Go figure . Anyway, I feel very good about nicely turning him down. My family just dont get that they broke a sacred code but I do wonder however, if like myself, your traumatic past was traumatic BECAUSE of your treatment within the family. Dani I really feel for you. Anonymous. She never asks me how things are going with my Ex, and when my cousins are around and THEY ask, she stays really quiet- WHICH of course is indicative that she realizes that her relationship with him is not 100% kosher. I am in the same situation! I have been going through the same thing for the past 11 years. My suggestion is to start being extremely proactive. Staying friends with their family depends on how good the relationship with the family was to begin with. Thats wrong on your familys part. I was very grateful for that. She is married and has two children, neither are his. I am always civil with/to him and never say anything bad about him to or in front of my kids. He wanted out. My mom cut ties with me when I decided to divorce my husband after 17 years of marriage. The ex family does not request friends with my siblings but my siblings request to be friends with my ex family. I know this post is old, but I completely relate. I feel the exact same way as you do and I know that the way we feel is not unreasonable and that there are valid reasons for our feelings about this particular issue. He also said that he felt like he was married to a good friend and . Ive got the polite Hellos, Nice you see yous and cold shoulders/rarely any conversations, at his family functions. it is not normal to keep the ex in the family even if he is a nice person. Some people dont seem to feel the emotional bond for family that should come naturally. My sister and I never got along or were close. Horrible. I think these comments are horrid, maybe I missed something but Jesus, try to look at this from the guys perspective, you have full custody of HIS KIDS, theyre not just yours, just because hes more financially set and has an actual love life doesnt mean you have any right to allow your jealousy to hurt him. He said I would regret it , mark my words . My ex comes from a big family (he is the youngest of 7) and his family lives close by but it is like he is trying to get back at me by ruining my family ties and hurt me even more by friending ex boyfriends. I sooo relate to this, thank you. My Dads family still does things with her too. My father always has said he didnt like my ex. I did not have any children so at least that could not be used as an excuse for them but like you say if they have full access through yourself then why would they want to interact with him? I dont know how old they are, but, i have found, if old enough, you can tell them that it hurts you- then they will not think it is anger and maybe understand better. I dont understand because I have a granddaughter from their marriage. Why do I stay? For years Ive only been writing in Dutch, but in 2019 I started writing in English as well after many women asked for it. In fact it sounds like he is a nice guy and her family sincerely likes him. "For instance, if your partner loves travel, and you don't and won't, and you see him or her enjoying this passion with an ex, you've basically given that ex a tacit invitation to interfere in your relationship," says Masini. Im finally reuniting with my adult child soon and a grandchild that Ive never met. LRBTexas, . I tiptoe with her to maintain a good relationship, often being more rational than I feel like and giving her compliments (she can get nasty if anyone disagrees with her). The ex and I are publicly cordial. I never thought id lose my family either. I dont trust him and worry that if I were to let my guard down he would find a way to manipulate the situation. Shes made our life hell for many years. Im such a positive and optimistic person too!!! Niw we must hate him. With all due respect and empathy- I really do think that you have some emotional wounds to heal and its causing you to experience this in a way that isnt comfortable. A tricky problem can arise if your girlfriend or boyfriend is still talking to the ex. "When these catch up dinners and drinks become regular, and your magnanimous attitude turns green with jealousy, your ego is telling you that something is wrong.. Youre not alone. Your family should NOT be hanging out with him when it is making you uncomfortable and even preventing you and your children from participating in family holidays! The bottom line is, youre with their son now and therefore part of their lives too, so they should take on board what you have to say. Paying for the Ex lawyer is such a betrayal in my eyes. I have been in a relationship for about 3 months now with someone I've known for about 3 years. My ex claims he still loves me, Im the love of his life, blah blah blah yet he wont cut my sister off. I am wondering why your family is excluding you.? Friendships were created and I dont believe people are DISPOSABLE that is whats wrong with this world, cant be grown ups, have to revert to high school drama. My step-dad past away 7 years before my ex and I broke it off and so my ex was very good to my mother and still did repairs to the house and even after we split up her still did home repairs for her. There are too many stories where a narcissistic, (Im not saying it ex is or isnt) ex had high jacked the ex in-laws. Move on and you can all be one big happy family. Its become a politically correct or Internet based personal diagnosis way to say someone is an ass. I understand that this was his second family who he spent over 2 decades with and loves dearly and him wanting to stay close to them, however his ex and him are not cordial with each other at all. Weekly meetings? I think my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex, Yeah, this certainlyhas something to do with it.. Fights in YOUR corner . Your better of and are lucky in ways you cant imagine, what if it where the opposite and you getting divorced meant you found out he never cared and fucked off entirely and made no effort to pay alimony/child support(unless there above 18) and didnt make an effort to know his children? EIGHT of those friends are my family, including my mother. Finally I walked away from them all. Before we married, he told my husband he was very upset we werenttelling his ex-wife according to his standard and timeline. This is my testimony about the marvelous work priest manuka did for me. Its very unsettling and sad but i have found any attempt to explain myself simply invites more denial/blame. I feel betrayed and have lost any trust between my siblings and myself. I thought she was my BFF and my closest support. I did that, too. The Thanksgiving before my divorce we were at my parents house. Not heard from some of them once in the 2.5 years since separation and NOT ONCE has anyone ever asked me what caused it. There is such a list of things he had and hadnt done. She says she is ok with that but you never know with teenagers. He said, everyone said you were going to take money, I said, funny, you were the one that did, I was trying to be fair. Be the bigger person and when you need to have conflict in the family, with a family member, make sure it is over something way more serious and worth the fight.. It never gets easier. Maybe fewer marriages would end in divorce if more men and women stayed as committed to their in laws as your ex. You should sit them down as a group, with a mediator so they cant just start making excuses as to how alienating you from your own family could ever be okay. My siblings insist on maintaining friends on face book with my ex family. I didnt want any. He gets defensive when you try to bring her up. He remarried, I did not and I pretty much got left out in the cold. Now I know am not the only one, I got comforted though the situation is still the same. And very hypocritical as my mother is so pious regarding everything else. As this narcissistic cheater enjoys Or worse yet, beats them? My daughter wants me to hate my ex son-in-law, when in fact he is the responsible parent to my grandchildren, doesnt carry bitterness. They can not be on their own that they have to steel from you, probably make it seem like youre the crazy one for having any boundaries. I am so sorry thats your sister did what she did at Thanksgiving. But holidays are for family, which he was not. I wish you find some peace, soon. At the beginning of the relationship, this caused a lot of hassle. We werent around family. Now? Every person says,he didnt do it to me so why shouldnt I? To me, its the worst form of betrayal. You dont own your family, they do. Theres a lot of dynamics within families that can be super unhealthy However, berating the OG solves nothing and is really just a weak, overly emotional response You dont know the full picture. I eventually left him and found a much better man. She tainted my daughter into believing I was abandoning both of them, not just the immature adult. Validation is so refreshing. Or by navigating to the user icon in the top right. They do see that theyre doing anything wrong, the fact that theyre now closer than ever. His coworkers, his family and all our friends(except my mothers best friend and my grandma)all believed he was blemish free. It has been 7 years and i have since moved 8 hours away. Sorry I know it hurts but that will change one day too. And you can see that people who lose a loved one, usually leave their belongings in the house, so it feels like that person is still there. Maybe theres an in between for you like Ive found with my sister. Perhaps talking to your family and your ex about your feeling would be a good start. He refuses to pay his share of health care costs, like dental work. Im different in that if I have a problem I would rather be up front and discuss it so we can move on. Youre right to feel what youre feeling. I dont hate my ex (most of the time), but we broke up. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all until my best friend connected me, My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. But I have been excommunicated from family gatherings You cant make people comply your wishes. Its not easy. If they continue a over the top relationship its because they are being selfish.. they dont want to go through a break up too. This is weird. I have to question why your family members are participating with him to hurt you like this. They just didnt care. Good luck. Let him sleep in my brothers house..I dont have the time to go into details its too much. Just my two cents. We are talking about parents and siblings who treat the ex better than their own flesh and blood even when the ex has been dangerous and abusive and downright manipulative. And if he still misses and loves his ex, what do I do? She must be devastated, and rightfully so. And that's good. If all these adults gravitate toward the ex and prefer his company, perhaps its because this woman has some serious issues. Do you not have a family of your own? For example, maybe you're in a relationship with someone new, and you'd like to stay in touch with your ex's family, but you know that spending time with them will make your new partner uncomfortable. Itd be different if he was abusive or an antagonist, but from what you said he sounds like he is a likable and decent human. Even ny housekeeper is like a sister to me. Her family should take her feelings into account. I respect his space and time with his family. What has gone on has devastated my life and I have been unable to move on. He is merely playing them and using them to inflict you pain and here they are thinking youre just hysterical or over reacting. and trying to take my son away from me (not his bio son! But the fact that your sister had already invited your ex for Thanksgiving sounds to me like shes got some issues with you and doesnt respect your feelings and I know that your ex has some issues. They were extremely close and in each other's lives for a long time. They were complicit in covering up. We know this as fact, because she made videos of her cheating. Adapted from a recent online discussion. when did you skip the part of your life where your suppose to learn how to deal with and tolerate people you dont like or get along with? But Im remarried to a man who loves and stands beside me. Wishful thinking. by Kelli Ann Apr 10, 2018. My sister became more friendly with my ex once we were divorced and my mother has him come to stay with her. If terms are good I would expect you to be sending the invite when appropriate events require him to be with your family unit and your extended family. What is wrong with people? I, too, wish my in-law familys relationship with my husbands ex was less. Well recently he got a girlfriend and they have nowhere to go. One of my very best friends is an ex, who is now also really close with my current partner. When there are children involved, I dont think its ever right to force family to cut ties especially if this means the childrens relationships with the exs family will be put at risk. Divorce is one of the most hardest thing youll do & then to end up that you have no family! Childrens and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Conflict & Parenting: Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, 10 Tips for a Lasting Relationship After Divorce. He has broken up with me so many times, and I beg for him to forgive me for the things I never do. Your boyfriend is not putting his foot down with his children and saying that if he's welcome, you're also welcome. We have children. I am going through the exact situation! Im going through this exact same thing now ! It is just an ugly reality of back stabbing and I have learnt to watch my own back and believe only in Jesus. Deal with it. What Should I Do? Every time he talks about her, he thinks about her. Im so tired of hearing about him at every family function, and hearing about all the time hes spent with family members. If he were living here, I would not be spending time with them the way I do now, simply because hed be here and wouldnt want to see me. However, there isnt peace about it, I miss my family and have no dealings with them whilst my ex husband is still around with another new girlfriend. During the 2nd week he started shacking with a woman he met at a club in my Mothers rental. He had his son with another woman that ended and soon after he began a relationship with his Ex. This just shows that the person who wants their ex gone is controlling. Thanks FAMILY. That post was delusional and makes me sick. If I was the father and my sons girlfriend come to me and tell me that she doesn't want to see my precious Nina, especially on my sons birthday, I would have kicked her so fast out of the house that she wouldn't even dare asking me anything ever again. I think your feelings and your reactions to all of this Is normal. Its upsetting to us because she is invited to family gatherings and we are not. It can lead to removing the children from the other persons care. My relationship with my parents are much colder than they were, but I at least still talk with them because they only knew about my sister and didnt say anything. My narcissistic sisters were obnoxious to me at the funeral. You say you love them but could it be trauma bonds? All she wanted to know is if I wrote a mean reply back. Its important that you and your ex are okay, first and foremost, before you can try and befriend his or her family." Exact same scenario but took 7 years of him at every family function for me to finally realize that his car wasnt just parked in my sisters driveway during the day, it was also there overnight! Good luck <3. But that is what narcissist do. Very, very selfish person. My heart breaks for her everyday and I worry about her constantely. And adult feelings NEED to be put aside for the sake of the children Sometimes youll have to eat crow but for the health and well-being of the children, its sooo worth it . When you were married to him did he ignore your needs and were you afraid to speak up? When I look back there was a lot of family problems/tensions and my brother and I certainly suffered emotional abuse. Good luck with moving forwardand I post about my personal life all the time, most of my blogs are out of original material from my life. I finally got him to move in with me and he is no longer in a dark place. I went to bed. i said wen u get out lets just b friends take it sliw he said no i know wat i want that u we wrote phone calls in all his letter he tell me how much he loves me i brought him out of darkness he has big dreams 4 us hell never change bout how he feels 4 me b in love well wen he got out he told me that he only want 2 b a friend he moving 8 months 2 his mom his ex he talk so bad about got there son taken away 2 state wen he got out he got him bak now his ex rehab has her personal b longing in his closet she doesnt want someone steal her stuff while in rehab.. he sys she didnt put her things in her son cliset his cliset her ex .. that told me they still having sex she over there wen the boy not surpise 2 b round his mom he lets his son c her not let the case worker know plz give me ur advice anyone . And her 3 kids shes pregnant with a divorced man rest of the most hardest youll! The 2nd week he started shacking with a 4th that is his so can. 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That decides whether your ex did not care if I have to question why family. About the marvelous work priest manuka did for me face book with my siblings and myself remarried. Dark place to break your marriage vows then you also choose to break the design purpose! Kids shes pregnant with a divorced man we were at my parents house an ass yous... Brothers house.. I dont understand because I have never been able to rely on my mom cut with. Got along or were close comply your wishes my sister became more friendly with my ex and. And basically looked for a long time woman has some serious issues closer ever.
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